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As I write this it is a few days before Christmas time and I have had quite a few conversations related to the holiday with several people on how things are changing for them this year regarding their holiday. A couple of those conversations were in my own home with my own daughter. She, like a few of my friends I spoke to really like for traditions to stay exactly the same year after year. And in our house due to various circumstances and the pure function of my kids aren’t kids any more we are switching a few things up this year especially with our Christmas Eve.

I try not to “call my own kids out” too much but I’m going to here (she will understand); my daughter has been saying a lot in the past week “I hate changes”.  A few of my friends are having similar experiences. Some of them are not happy with the holiday switch ups and for some, like me, it’s their children bucking ‘em. Well I have talked to and explained to my daughter that even at the holidays change is an opportunity to do something better or different and to add a new dimension to things. Now I hope on Christmas even when we “do the new” she will see that it all workout and hopefully for the better and my words and explanation will become more real to her.

I’m not saying that tradition and some things staying the same isn’t good in its own right and how it can be and feel comfortable (believe me I know this I coach people about routines and consistency etc. all the time for various aspects of life and parenting) – it has its place. But I think when we really resist changes, get super thrown by them or even devastated by them or try to hold on too hard to the “way things were,” then we miss the lessons, growth and excitement they can bring us. So while I might feel a pang or two (sometimes referred to as “mothers heart ache” – that feeling your kids pain thing) knowing my daughter is struggling a bit with some of the changes we are experiencing around here I mostly find it a bit reassuring to know that she is getting an opportunity to strengthen a muscle she will need for the rest of her life. Life works better when the “change and adapt” muscle in us is strong and flexible.

So my advice from life experience (my own and others), is be prepared to change and adapt. Be on the look out for the curves balls that are coming this holiday week and throughout your life and try to catch ‘em and turn them into something that was better than what was in play before the ball got thrown your way. It is my belief that life truly is a series of changes anyway, so be ready. They are coming; like it or not, want ‘em or not. Be ready and willing to adapt. You will have to anyway, so might as well be prepared and
even glad for it.

A few tips on the topic (and yes they apply at the holidays too):

1. Expect something unexpected daily

2. Look at the unexpected or the change as an opportunity

3. Find excitement and reassurance that every change is an opportunity to become a stronger and richer you.

Now, yes I know you say, “Hey lady you’re supposed to be a parenting and life coach! Shouldn’t you be helping me see the bright side of things?” Well yes. I should. Sometimes. Other times we have to look at the ugly side of things. And that points out yet another truth in life: that most things in this world have an ugly side! That especially applies when it comes to us humans. Now things like Yosemite, The Ocean, A Rainbow, The Sierra Mountains and The Lake in my backyard, that’s a different story…not much ugly there and if there is, chances are a human put it there.

So bottom line in order to embrace the good stuff this “gig” comes with, it helps sometimes to just say out loud or even to yourself that sometimes (and at the risk of being crass) it just “blows.” Just get it out there. Express it. You’ll feel better and be able to move on and be balanced in the deal… and balance is something those who know me hear me harp on all the time. It’s the “sweet spot” we should be shooting for in most things. Now here’s the good news: Just as in other cases, the ugly helps you appreciate the beautiful, and bad times make the good ones easier to appreciate.

I don’t know many friends of mine (and I can’t say I did this myself), that just jumped for joy at not getting good sleep for years straight with babies and little ones. And I also don’t know many now with older children that look forward to waiting to see if that older one will be home on time when you know they are out doing “God knows what,” and all you can think is “I sure hope he/she is really at the movies like he/she said!”  How many people do you know that wish for someone to puke on them, poop on them, get boogers on them etc.? This is not fun in any ones book (and if you think it is fun – maybe seek help I cannot provide – just saying). Yet we do this with our little ones regularly!

Then there are always the incidents in the park when your little one, for example, throws sand on another little one for no reason other than just to be mean. Let’s get real here people…yes, even your sweet angel might do this once in a while. Or it may even be your little one on the receiving end and you yourself wouldn’t mind throwing sand back at the mean little bugger who dared attack your wonderful little creature. And then later on, who really loves picking up dishes that should have been picked up by the twelve year old? Yes, you should make them do it, but let’s get real sometimes it’s just nice to not have crusty dishes on the coffee table and, yes, sometimes it IS easier to just do it yourself.

Even more difficult, as they age, and they start fully picking their own friends, and I know this is hard to think about but, yes, they also pick the people they will date, you sometimes find that you quite simply don’t like the friends they choose. You even possibly detest them and find them to be downright scary prospects of influence in your not-such-a-child-anymore’s life. That’s when you are faced with putting your foot down knowing you will be hated (and, yes, sometimes we must do this)…seriously not fun.

I guess if you are reading this and you aren’t sure if you want to become a parent, I haven’t exactly made the case that you should. But quite the contrary, if you have that drive in your head and your heart tells you it’s what you want to do, then by all means – bring on the babies!! Just bring them on with your eyes fully open.

Those of us already in the role know that there are incredibly fun and rewarding days and moments when you feel more loved then you ever thought you could. (That’s especially true when they are little and first start saying “I love you”…that stuff is priceless and a total blast!)  Parenting makes you feel a love coming from yourself that you didn’t know could be so deep and pure and you feel incredibly fulfilled from the role and so special. They hug you and you wish they wouldn’t stop. They accomplish things and you swell with pride. You cry when they leave you for the first day of school or go off to college because of how much you miss them. You smile when people tell you what a cool kid they are and so on and so on.

Even amidst all of this, I just want you to know that there are going to be moments when you sort of wish for your pre-parenting life back or want to fast forward to the empty nest. There are days when you look at your checkbook and can’t believe how much went to school supplies or activities for your kids. You think about how you could use a thing or two and wouldn’t mind being in a class for fun yourself. Sometimes you may walk around so sleep deprived and/ or sick with worry about something involving your child that it is hard to concentrate on much else.  Just know that this “gig” carries with it the good, the bad and the ugly! It just so happens that the ugly doesn’t last, the bad is usually temporary and the good, well the good almost always prevails and is amazing when it does. So you may not be having fun right now in this moment or stage you are in with your child or children, but just take a breath, step forward and the fun will come again. The fun may come in the form of a smile from an adorable face, the kiss that is too sweet for words, or the laughter you share with them, but just know that it will come and when it does, hold on to it, file it away, remember it and use it as fuel to get through the next not-so-fun thing that the “parenting gig” brings. Now that’s the truth!

And you learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build your hope on today
As the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight
Because tomorrow’s ground can be too uncertain for plays
Yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path
Toward the promise of a brighter dawn

And you learn that even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And nourish your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers

And you learn that love, true love
Always has joys and sorrows
Seems ever present, yet is never quite the same
Becoming more than love and less than love
So difficult to define

And you learn that through it all
You really can endure
That you really are strong
That you do have value
And you learn and grow…

With every goodbye

-Author Unkown

So your daughter is showing signs of being a tom boy and an athlete and you had visions of her being a “girly-girly” – give her freedom to be herself and you’ll teach her to accept herself and others for who they are. Your son tends to be serious, shy and quiet and you just love people that are the life of the party – give him the freedom to be who he is and you’ll teach him that the world needs all kinds and all kinds should be celebrated. So your kids are getting a bit older and you are finding they don’t think how you do on politics maybe, or religion (that’s a toughie!) or a variety of topics; I challenge you to find a way to allow for them to have these opinions while respecting that it is your home. Let discussion happen where you truly listen to each other – again you will be teaching a life skill to them of working with all different types of people and how to blend ideas sometimes and accept different sides other times. Really ask yourself “do I want someone dictating what natural personality traits, interests, and opinions I should have?” We know the answer there! Now, please don’t get me wrong, I am the first to coach parents on having consistent discipline, commanding and even demanding respect from their kids. I just don’t think you should be afraid of giving them freedom in some of this basic stuff – it can be powerful and positive when you do. The two concepts can exist together – expecting good and respectful behavior and allowing your kids to be who they are and I know you can find a way to blend them that works for you.

Got those kids scheduled in something every minute of every day because you want to enrich their lives with many experiences? Stop and think, am I allowing my child the freedom to enrich themselves with play and time – there is nothing wrong with a little one simply messing with a good old roly-poly bug in the backyard and then switching gears and playing with legos some. Let your older ones lay around once in while and just be; for all you know amazing things are going on in their mind when they do (or not so amazing-I know, I was once a teen too! but who cares let them think either way). I coach people all the time about getting balance in this area. Some outside activities is fine too much and you just might be raising a stressed out person who happens to have a million skills; personally I’d rather see you shoot for a peaceful kid. Kids need free time and the freedom to choose how to fill it built into their schedules too. And if you do this I promise they will be more-well rounded than the child who spends his day in a car going from one activity to the next.

So this weekend when you see the fireworks and the flags around stop and think, I am giving enough freedom to my kids?  And ultimately freedom is the greatest gift we can give our kids – the freedom to go out into the world, and anywhere in this world they want to go, and chase their dreams knowing they are fully capable and you won’t hold them back.  I know I’ll be looking at them and smiling, knowing that the freedom I have allows me to do the work I truly love.

I’m not saying you must be zen at all times – no one can be – people simply aren’t not perfect and never will be; we all have bad moments and bad days . But it should be your goal to be zen and have peaceful energy most of the time. So think to yourself what do I need to tweak in my day to day life to be sure I’m coming from the most centered peaceful place. Are you missing a hobby you used to do in your pre-kid days; find a way to bring it back. Maybe you aren’t taking time to take care of your physical self; wake up a half hour earlier and do it. What things from your past are “haunting” you and affecting your daily mind set and how can you deal with them and put them behind you? Or maybe there are current stressful relationships with a friends/ partners/ relatives that are weighing on you – find a way to fix them (remember this will start with you). Perhaps you need to work with a therapist or a coach like me or simply take time each day to get your thoughts and feelings out in a journal? Whatever it is do it as you will benefit and then in turn your kids will benefit.

So we must take a look at ourselves first when there is a challenge we are facing with our kids. Get real, look inside and see what you can do for yourself first then you can go with strength and start to set up the environment and circumstances for improvement with our kids. But here’s the cool thing – a lot of the time simply getting ourselves in a good confident peaceful way will bring the improvement we seek. I see it everyday in my own life and in the lives of the parents I coach and I have a feeling you will experience it too if you are willing to work on you.

So I have a few tips/ thoughts for you at this time that should help you be that more cheerful peaceful Mom that creates the atmosphere and mood that allows for a “happier holiday” because we generally do drive the ship so let’s try and drive it smooth and try not to hit the iceberg!!

Balance – We have to have it to be happy in general and at this time of year it is really key. If we give one child 10 presents and the other 1 – no balance there! If we bring in 20 new toys via presents and yet don’t get rid of some that have been around before and not played with etc – not balanced just clutter and too much stuff wins. If we spend all our time at events and none at home doing simple things with our own family – someone is getting shafted including you. Find yourself at all your families gatherings but can’t make time to get to your partners family stuff cause they bug you – time to do some sucking it up an going there too(unless of course they are axe murders – in that case by all means stick with yours!).  So busy making sure the house is perfectly decorated that you didn’t make time to make some sugar cookies from a tube with your little one – reality check which on will they remember? 

Keep it Simple – I spent a couple of years while mine were little living away from any relatives with not much money at all to go anywhere or do anything “big” for the holidays. And in the interest of honesty I was fairly bummed as the first one of these approached. But one day I had a get a grip talk with myself to just accept what was and not worry about what wasn’t. And truth is we had some of our best holidays those two years – I did crafts with the kids from things we got in the yard, started a couple of new traditions that they insist on doing to this day (yes back to relatives around now and not quite as poor!) like fondue on Christmas Eve and decorating the tree on thanksgiving day (my solution to the boredom and loneliness I had thought we’d feel with no-one around, I was wrong we didn’t and this was fun).  So how can you apply this keep it simple approach whether you have many people around and money isn’t tight or not. Just get honest that it is the simple things that usual matter and that when we try to do 50 things and always have tons of people around us it can get hectic. So dig deep and say “no” to some events, consider sending a mass e-mail instead of 50 self addressed cards, buy some ready made foods, don’t worry about your house qualifying for a Martha Stewart decorating award and see what can be eliminated. Who knows maybe you’ll find out like I did that just 4 people having fondue on Christmas Eve makes a great memory!!

Blend and Innovate – Okay this mostly applies to those of us with partners in our lives but single parents can make use of it too. If you get too stuck in how “your family” did the holidays I promise you will end up disappointed and spend sometime in arguments with your partner and visa versa if they do! Instead try, I know easier said then done, to sit down (or stand up makes no difference) and talk ahead for the holidays and hopefully you’ll be real progressive and have this conversation before you have kids (if you do e-mail me I find you impressive most of us wait till a world war has broke out before we discuss stuff like that!) about what is the one or two things each of you just can’t imagine the holidays without. It just wouldn’t be the holidays if you don’t do them– yes 1or2 that will allow for them to then have some too. Now here is where the fun is and the sense of being your own family comes – come up two or three that are all new for your family.  Maybe you want to do I don’t know an all day in your pj’s day the day after the big day, or a service project, or a yearly craft. I can’t tell you what to do because it is your holiday with your partner and your children and the idea of doing this is making them all yours!

So if you do a little self reflecting this season I think you will find that this season truly does imitate and amplify what is going on with us at other times and you can learn and grow and become better from it. So be balanced, keep it simple and by all means blend and innovate! You will be a “happier holiday Mom” and a happier Mom in the other months of the year if you do.

I’m not saying you have to all of sudden love to pretend you’re a bear in the woods, think playing World of War Craft is amazing or join the theatre group yourself. In fact I think it is good for kids to have things that are all their own so be careful of diving in fully and completely in all they do; things can get clouded between it being their thing to all of a sudden it being “your thing” and then the thing they loved for themselves could well be the thing they hate.

I am saying put your toe in from time to time, reach into that world just a bit so you understand it better and it won’t be as foreign to you. Maybe you could be the tree in the woods for a little while, join the gaming for a few minutes or just be in the room while it’s played so you can ask questions of how it works, go to the play she’s in or help her run lines. Join ‘em in some of the stuff that you “just don’t get” and you might start to get it some! Your kids will feel respected and better understood for their interests even though they might be divergent from yours, you’ll be able to talk at their level more often and you’ll get to know sides of them that you wouldn’t of had you stayed in the mindset of thinking these things they do make no sense. And who knows maybe by entering their world from time to time you’ll find it’s quite peaceful being a tree, that those games are fairly complex and impressive or that acting is really fun!